Ye King of Spaine Inn - NPC OOC Discussion

To the soldiers of my army;

Soldiers: After triumphing on the banks of the Vistula and the Danube, with rapid steps you have passed through Germany. This day, without a moment of repose, I command you to traverse France. Soldiers: I have need of you. The hideous presence of the leopard contaminates the peninsula of Spain and Portugal. In terror he must fly before you. Let us bear our triumphal eagles to the pillars of Hercules. There, also, we have injuries to avenge. Soldiers: You have passed the renown of our modern armies, but you have not yet equaled the glories of those Romans, who, in one and the same campaign, were victorious upon the Rhine and the Euphrates, in Illyria and upon the Tagus. A long peace, a lasting prosperity, shall be the reward of your labors. But a real Frenchman ought not, could not, rest until the seas are open to all. Soldiers: All that you have done, all that you will do for the happiness of the French people, and for my glory, shall be eternal in my heart

Please submit to HM Diplomatic Staff in Lisbon by final day of October

[this tender is issued in accordance with EU procurement regulations. Please note that 'leopard' is to be given the meaning prescribed by protocol 32 subprotocol 235a of the Lisbon treaty. Note in particular that the animal is to be accompanied by a full veterinary record, and to retain its original spots]

Portillo-Walrus,

Are you able to supply 500 feathers for the hats of the Peacock Legion?

Please supply to Gen. Beresford at Campo Marcial in Lisbon, and send the bill to Viscount Castlereagh, War Office, London, there's a good chap.

An Open Letter to Señor Hookham-Frere, Lisbon.

Published in 'La Gazeta' Madrid, 'O Açoriano Oriental' Lisbon, and in 'The Times' London.

Sevilla
17th October 1808

Excellency (sic)

We have been forwarded a letter from one of our generals sent by yourself in which you (once again) request that the British be given port facilities and even a base guarded by British troops before you will send arms and munitions to help your brave ally, Spain.

We quote your letter:

"For reasons of security against the enemy and against bandits, also, [the supplies] will need to be guarded by a substantial body of British troops.

I would be grateful therefore for permission from the Junta to land a corps of British troops at [deleted], and to take over some of the port facilities there for the purpose of servicing HM navy and providing a steady flow of supplies to your army, in addition to establishing a training facility for any personnel you would care to send there for that purpose."

Britain already has a base and other facilities in a Spanish port and that port is Gibraltar. You now also occupy Lisbon as well. You do not need any further bases, training facilities, barracks or anything else of this sort in Spain, in order to do the task your government has sent you here to do, viz, to aid your ally in defeating Napoleon Bonaparte!

The very idea that you think our major ports suffer from banditry or that the strong Spanish garrisons already in these places cannot protect them is nothing short of insulting to both us and every Spaniard.

We are most concerned at these constant requests of yours for bases and training camps in our ports. All your requests made heretofore and henceforth in the future are refused.

When we ask, on bended knee, our most gracious ally to supply us with cannon, muskets, powder, hats, shoes and cloth for uniforms we do not want English soldiers to draw then, shoot them, carry it or wear them. They are for our Spanish soldiers to use to bring war more effectively to the invader of our innocent soil. If you wish to send English soldiers into Spain your fine general Sir Arthur Wellesley has an army and he need only march it here (under the terms we have discussed) to take war to the enemy.

Military supplies we ask to be given to us.

Please!

We did not wish to make this most delicate matter public but your behaviour up to this point regarding going behind our backs to our various generals, on matters of diplomatic and mercantile policy which they have no authority to discuss, we now identify as an attempt to cause disharmony in the various parties of your ally.

This will cease at once!

Sir, are you an ally of Spain... or an ally of France!?

You will henceforth discuss all matters with Seville only! Only British military officers in command of your British corps have our agreement to communicate with our generals and then only on matters of military strategy and co-operation.

These are our wishes. If they are not adhered to we will request you be replaced with a more co-operative representative of His Most Britannic Majesty's government and, as regards these idiotic peacock issues, someone less mad.

We are, and remain, &c. &c.

Juan de Vera y Delgado, Arzobispo de Laodicea y el Obispo de Cádiz, Presidente de la Junta Central

On a fine tree-lined avenue one afternoon in one of the better quarters of Madrid:

Colonel Mataran, an aide-de-camp from the headquarters of Capitán-General Castaños was out riding in mid-October when he saw a familiar face. It was none other than Major Isaac Albéniz, commander of the 2nd squadron Dragones de Pavia, one of the squadrons of the brigade of Las Casas that was detached to the Army of Murcia.

"Bless my soul, 'tis none other than Don Albéniz! Major, are you well? Were you a prisoner of the French? No-one at Headquarters knew what had become of you!"

The Major looked puzzled, then with a smile gave a respectful bow from the saddle.

"Coronel Mataran, I and the regiment, all 400 of us, still serve with the Army of Murcia, as ordered. The division of Baron de Eroles. We have been there since being detached months ago! Why might your face be so pale? I would say you had seen a ghost."

"My friend, I thought I had! We all thought you dead or prisoner. We have heard nothing from you! Whose command are you with, pray tell," was Mataran's response.

"Mayor Juan de Palarea, of 2nd division. Things have been quiet with him, he doesn't ride us into the ground like Las Casas! Why only last week we had two days of fine hunting with hounds provided by the Master of Hounds of the Aranjuez palace, Vizconde del Aparrama, you remember him from the ball of the Marqués del Parque last summer?"

Major Albéniz smiled and sat back comfortably in his saddle, lifting his hat and leaning majestically forwards, greeting two ladies who passed by in silk dresses and hid their bashful smiles beneath their dainty parasols.

"Del Parque! How can I forget!" Mataran scowled, his eyes registering a greeting to the ladies. "That son of the devil cleaned me out at Quadrille! I swear he had a footman looking at my hand over my shoulder and holding up fingers to his master, but I could never get a witness to speak out in my favour."

Albéniz roared with laughter. "A witness? Against El Demonico Parque? No sir, no. He buys them all off with long silences after promises of favours from his four beautiful daughters! No dirt will stick to that fellow."

Mataran grinned, "Well, this is all bye the bye. It is a fine day that causes us to meet again. Our Lady has willed it, keeping you safe from harm and bringing you to me. I am happy again! We lost some good fellows at Scarnafigi on that hellish hill. But seeing those French running was a fine sight - what a day you missed. You should have been there, you a huntsman - you would have had a grand chase!" The colonel shook his head wistfully.

... and so on ... the small talk of gentlemen does not interest us beyond these opening lines.

Later Colonel Mataran reported to Castaños' HQ about who he had just met. The famous "Lost" Pavia Dragoons, all three squadrons of them had been working for General Villava all this time, but searches by him, as requested by staff of the Army of Andalucia under the name "Brigada de Las Casas" drew a blank since Las Casas never left the Army of Andalucia, but transferred his three squadrons to Juan de Palarea.

The missing cavalry that confounded two generals and the staffs of two armies have been found! Major Albéniz advises they are quartered at La Poveda.

Confounded indeed! This is quite the tale and I look forward to questioning these missing horsemen more closely when they rejoin their original command. Certainly one of the Campaign's more bizarre stories -- and undoubtedly worthy of a best-selling novel!

Indeed. This was a very fun sub-plot to see being played out. I had to bite my fingers to stop myself typing out clues. Two - or was it three? Spanish players fumbling about looking for a black cat in a coal cellar at midnight. The cat was happily sat in the middle of the floor curled up asleep while those looking for it searched only the darkest corners and cupboards

Only the Mysterious Case of the Extremaduran Ham and the fate of poor Conde de Aguilar rank with it in strangeness and laughs. You gentlemen are surely the most fun set of players I've ever had the privilege of running a campaign for.

And we appreciate all that you do. Finishing the final points of the orders. Incoming after work so you will have an entire week to make sense of my mess

I thank all my new Iberian friends for your expressions of sympathy during my recent illness. You will be pleased to hear that I have moved back to Casa Mia, where I am eagerly awaiting the latest additions to my collection - a leopard, and a breeding pair of Norwegian blues (seen here in artists impression). Can't wait don't ye know!

Senor Don Juan Hookham Frere

FRERE NAMED IN PEACOCK SCANDAL SHOCK!  BAIRD PUTS PRIZE FOWL IN SANDWICH RUMOUR!

A breeding pair of Javan peacocks, the much sought-after, Pavo muticus, have been stolen from the Seville Municipal Zoological Gardens.  The discovery was made by Sr Ernesto Suarez, the Head Keeper, on Thursday last.  The fowl were last seen on Wednesday evening, and both appeared in excellent health.

These specimens were the pride of Seville, and suspicion has naturally fallen upon the roving bands of unsavoury English Peacock hunters who now infest Andalucia.  There are two current theories in the salons and plazas of our fair city.  Firstly that they have been smuggled aboard the pleasure yacht of Sir Hookham Frere, the dandified representative of His Britannic Majesty, for unspeakable purposes.  The other possibility is that the poor benighted fowl have already been eaten by ill-disciplined English troops of Baird’s Corps. Neither explanation will do other than cause great offense to honest Spaniards everywhere.

The Clarion says “Enough!”  You English are supposed to be our allies, yet you do no fighting.  You claim to be our friends, yet you promenade your wealth and insult our womenfolk.  This cannot continue!

Burlington H Grumble, Chief Crime Correspondent
Seville Clarion

(more, including pictures, on pp17-20)

Urgent to: Don Pedro de Alcántara Álvarez de Toledo y Salm-Salm, 13° Duque del Infantado, Consejero Militar de la Junta Centrale.

Excellency,
In light of these revelations as posted in the Clarion, please advise as to the Junta's desire that a division of the Army of Andalucia be ordered south and made available for fowl recovery and/or a punitive expedition to be mounted against perpetrators of such an atrocity against our most beloved birds. I stand by in anticipation of the order.

Respectfully,

Castaños
Don Francisco Javier Castaños, Capitán-General of Andalucia, Aragorri Urioste y Olavide, Conde de Castaños y Aragones, Marqués de Aranjuez

Capitan-General, Marqués del Aranjuez

It is our understanding that a corps of English troops has been despatched to attend to this matter. We have a plentiful supply of birds in the parkland of the Alhambra in Granada. We shall of course be charging the English suitable rates for these rare and magnificent creatures.

Respectfully,
Don Pedro de Alcántara Álvarez de Toledo y Salm-Salm, 13° Duque del Infantado, Consejero Militar de la Junta Central.

Grumble wrote:(more, including pictures, on pp17-20)

What, no page 3 girls!?!

My dear Hookham Frere

I trust that you are now fully recovered, and that we can continue our correspondence.  In that regard have some bad news and some good.

Unfortunately there is a problem with one of the two Norwegian Blues I promised you.  The male fowl, Digby, is quite out of sorts, and we suspect he is suffering gizzard-blight.  As a supplier of the utmost repute, I could not in all conscience deliver them to you until this is remedied.  My only hope is that it will not be necessary to put the poor fellow down.

However I am very pleased to say that we have just discovered a fine pair of Javan peacocks in the breeding sheds.  The much sought-after Pavo muticus.  I cannot understand how we missed them before.  Not only that, but we also have full details of lineage, which had also been somehow misplaced.  The male, Blake, is a very fine specimen in full vigour.  The female, Dolores, is a quite elegant fowl, and an exceptional layer.  In the view of many, the Javan species is actually superior to the Norwegian Blue.  Indeed some say the screech of the Pavo muticus is perfect in pitch and timbre.

In view of the exquisite quality of this particular pair, I believe it would be rather sordid to quote a sale figure at this point.  I shall therefore leave it your good self to make an appropriate offer, but it should certainly be upwards of the price already mentioned in connection with Digby and Josephine..

Affctntly yrs

Benito de San Juan
Director, The Granada Stud & Novelty Emporium

-    An excerpt from “O SQUAWK LUSITANICO – O Jornhal da Societa Naturalistica Lusitanica” (“THE monthly journal for Lusitanian Twitchers”)

-    By Michael Portillo-Walrus, gamebird editor and Director, Alentejo Phasinadae stud.

Throngs of fashionable ladies and gentlemen flocked out of Lisbon to Casa Mia at Cintra on Sunday, for what must surely be the last society outing of the Summer, before the unseasonal weather sets in.

The main attractions were the new aviary, menagerie and duckhouse which Senor Hookham Frere has installed in the grounds of the old villa, complete with the beautiful peacocks, leopards and other creatures which Senor Frere has imported at vast expense from all quarters of the globe. The latest additions are some beautiful deer from a farflung place named Colorado, a breeding pair of Cochin-Chinese red jungle fowl (Gallus gallus gallus), plus a pair of Birds of Paradise, a gift from the exiled royal family in Brasil.

The Senor himself (or should I say the Marques dos Galliformes as he now styles himself) is a colourful, familiar and indeed most singular sight around Lisbon, dressed in a suit of pastel blues and greens, with his trademark tricorn hat adorned with peacock feathers and stuffed with sausage rolls.

On this occasion, however, he was nowhere to be seen. Gossip has it that the eccentric Senor has been heavily criticised by his own War Office for overindulgence in what they regard as trivial pursuits, and a consequent failure to adequately co-ordinate the various allied military initiatives which are at last taking place, though very late in the season.

The Senor is said to have been seen travelling towards the northeast, possibly in an endeavour to locate himself more favourably to take a grip on the precarious military situation.

O SQUAWK will keep its readers closely informed of these developments, which are of course of great import not only to the naturalist community, but also the wider polity.

Soldiers de L'armée d'Espagne: You have vanquished your foe at the Battle of Miranda! They have not proven the worth of your steel! Have no fear, your Empereur is here and will share in your hardship and dangers! Wherever you go I will lead on! Be proud of yourselves, you are the noble sons of France and the best soldiers on Earth. The Elbo valley once again shines in Imperial splendor; and how have you done it? You have vanquished two Spanish armies by the strength of your legs guided by my genius.

Two Spanish armies destroyed and cowered only by the threat of your cannon and under my direction! Nothing on Earth can stop us! We shall march through this vile winter and enjoy the fair Maidens of France by the Spring!

Together we will destroy these lovers of superstition and enemies of reason. We will knock the English back into to the sea; let them never forget that though they may "rule the waves" Frenchmen rule mother Earth.

I almost forgot to mention, dear readers, that Frere has another project in hand and has installed an empty cage next to that of his Barbary apes for a future acquisition - something called a "Corsican Dwarf".

-    Portillo-Walrus

"I am here with the soldiers who conquered at Austerlitz, at Jena, at Eylau. Who can withstand them? Not your wretched Spanish troops who do not know how to fight. I shall conquer Spain in two months and acquire the rights of a conqueror"

"Me!"

...........by Burlington H Grumble, War Correspondent, Seville Clarion, embedded with Sir John Moore's army somewhere in Castile & Leon.

In my new capacity, I was privileged to receive a secondhand account of my first war council this day, but have to tell you good readers, that I could scarce believe my ears.

I have already observed that this army is encumbered by a great number of fowl enclosed in cages and borne on the carts which normally carry ammunition and wounded men around the battlefield.

I am informed that the army is under the strictest orders to assemble these birds wherever they are found, and transport them into Portugal. A large part of the resources of the army are apparently devoted to this task, on the orders of the High Command.

The army is presently camped near water and it appears that a number of rare waterborne Botaurus stellaris have recently been apprehended by the fowling details.


This fowl has been found to have prodigious appetites for fish, such that whole platoons of men are now dedicated to angling to provide them with this. Should Sir John march away from this spot, as military necessity seems to require him to do, there is grave danger that the fowl will perish of inadequate diet.

Thus the council of war, which I understand lasted throughout the night. The finer points of strategy, tactics and angling were endlessly debated by the officers of the army. It seems that, when at last Sir John went to his bed at dawn, he did so uttering oaths and vowing to abandon the whole campaign "so long as that strutting feathered popinjay remains in charge of it".

What will be the outcome of these events, dear readers, I cannot imagine, let it be sufficient to surmise that the whole freedom of Spain, nay of Europe, may well be intricately connected with the fate of six black and tan coloured ducks.

The Clarion, with its proud history of incisive reporting, will of course keep its readers fully conversant with these dramatic events, as they unfold.

Soldiers! It is time for a grand review of the Army of Madrid. Once again you have beaten your enemies without firing a shot. We salute the brave defenders of Burgos! Long may their sacrifice be remembered! General Verdier is promoted to a Maréchal de France and is hereby awarded the title of Duc de Burgos with an annual award of 40,000 Francs. Each soldier of the brave IV corps shall receive 5 Francs from my personal chest.

We shall see these Spanish off when the campaigning weather returns.

...or Joseph's Flight out of Spain" (published in London September 1808)



Courtesy the Army of Madrid (i.e., the one actually in Madrid).

Just read my latest reports and dispatches...

Oh gods, why do I have to play the part of Sir John Moore and NOT the Father General?

Moore is so hard to play, unlike the Father General.

to be jointly authored by
- Burlington H Grumble, war correspondent, Seville Clarion
- Michael Portillo-Walrus, current affairs correspondent, O Squawk Lusitanico
- Binky Rees-Mogg, military correspondent, Times of London
-  Lt. Georg Leopold von Reisswitz, freelance correspondent and soldier of fortune, formerly with the Prussian Army

-and sponsored by Bernard Matthews, by appointment Poulterer to HRH King George of England

We are proposing to print a popular academic account of the origins and conduct of the current conflict with emphasis on its effect on the bird population of the peninsula, and the consumption of fowl meats.

Our account will be serialised in the abovementioned publications.

We hereby invite the illustrious military gentlemen of both sides, from the Emperor of France downwards, to further establish their glorious names in history through this survey of their participation and how they came to be involved in this epic struggle.

Payment will be made on account for all contributions from persons of note who are prepared to answer the following FAQs:

1. how were you as a child? did you have a pet? did it have feathers and a beak?
2. how short are you? were you aggressive and unruly at school? did you ever play with tin soldiers? did you bully others as a teenager?
3. what led you into a military career? did you like to dress well as a young man? do you possess a leopard skin pelisse? what colour are its spots?
4. what were the reasons for your rapid advancement? did you perform well on the battlefield, or rely on ingratiating yourself with seniors?
5. do you eat game of any kind? do you prefer it thinly sliced? with or without cranberry sauce?
6. if you were the Emperor of France, what is the next European nation you would invade and crush underfoot? Give reasons for your choice.
7. which in your opinion is the dominant arm on the battlefield?
8. have you ever declined to fight a duel, or feigned illness to avoid one?
9. name your greatest success and your greatest disappointment
10. where do you see yourself in one, three, and ten years time? have you ever visited St Helena?

This, kind readers, is your opportunity, with minimal expenditure of effort, to establish your reputation amongst the military community of Europe. Please ink up your quills and commence to write your glorious name into military history!

Soldiers of the 8th Corps,

I am speaking to you as the proud commander of your corps, the fighting 8th! Although our recent campaigns may not have been as successful as we had all hoped and fought for, we are now given the chance to remake history, to show the world once again that the 8th is the pride of the Grande Armée!
I am most pleased to inform you that we have received orders from the Emperor himself to reenter Spain, to rejoin the army and to show those Spanish peasants once and for all that nothing and noone must stand up to "la Grande nation". Our beloved Emperor himself has taken the task upon him to reconquer Spain, to eradicate any resistance and to ensure the safe return of King Joseph, King of all of Spain!
Oh and by the way - should those petty "roast-beef" decide to show up for the party - believe me that we will give them a damned good thrashing and throw them back into the ocean, where they belong! Damn those redcoats, damn every last one of them!
Let us therefor brace ourselves to our duties, focus on the tasks ahead of us and thus ensure that history will remember the 8th Corps as the Phoenix of the battlefield.  Rest assured, soldiers, that a most prosperous future lies ahead of us. A future filled with victory on the field of glory and duty to our beloved Emperor, Napoléon 1er!

Vive L'Empereur!


Jean-Andoche Junot
VIII Corps