Ye King of Spaine Inn - NPC OOC Discussion

Sevilla
16th December 1808

To Teniente-General el Conde de Belvedere,
Army of Extremadura
Toledo

We offer you our most heartfelt and sincere thanks for the wonderful news of the reduction of the Alcazar. At last this magnificent place is freed of it's oppressors and returned to the bosom of Catholic Spain.

Please convey to your brave and worthy soldiers our deepest thanks. We authorise the battle honour "Alcazar 1808" to be added upon the colours of every regiment that was present in the city and participated to the extent of giving Spanish blood in this great siege and victory. We award every soldier and non-commissioned officer 100 gold reales and each commissioned officer 250 gold reales. For those who gave all they had for the cause of Mother Spain, these awards shall be presented to their families.

We are delighted to confer upon the two division commanders who conducted the siege, 2° Division: Mariscal de Campo Trias and 3° Division: Mariscal de Campo José Ignacio López de Arriortúa promotions to Teniente-General.

For el Conde de Belvedere, commander of the Army of Extremadura and chief planner and executor of this achievement, we confer the title of "Conde del Alcazar" which title bears with it an annual pension of 5,000 Reales and the freedom of the city of Toledo.

We are, and remain, your supporter and friend, &c. &c.

Don Pedro de Alcántara Álvarez de Toledo y Salm-Salm, 13° Duque del Infantado, Consejero Militar de la Junta Central.

Don Pedro de Alcántara Álvarez de Toledo y Salm-Salm, 13° Duque del Infantado, Consejero Militar de la Junta Central

I hope this letter finds you warm and in good spirits. I would like to thank each and every one of you for this great honor that you have bestowed upon us the Army of Estramadura.  When the announcement was made to the men their cheers could be heard from all over.

Once again we, your troops thank you for the blessings that you awarded us with.

Here are a dozen of the famous Hams of Estramdura, for you and your staff to enjoy.  Please take note that I have official ham testers and these hams come with a guarantee of freshness and quality above all other hams.  They have been escorted by some of my personal men.

Your humble servant of Spain,

Conde del Alcazar

p.s. Thanks now I even found a picture of someone with the Title Conde del Alcazar de Toledo.  I know have an avatar.

Morsey wrote:Here are a dozen of the famous Hams of Estramdura, for you and your staff to enjoy. Please take note that I have official ham testers

Uh oh. Who is in line on the Junta's depth chart behind Don Pedro? I assure Junta Central that neither I nor my staff had any prior knowledge that the good Conde maintains a cage of ham-tasting hamsters.

Congratulations, nonetheless, on the great victory for Spain.

Why do I have this suspicion that the good Conde's ham-tasters are akin to a coal miner's caged bird?

Conde del Alcazar's personal ham testing commander.


Oh and no animals have been harmed during this campaign, well that we will admit to anyways.

Thats should keep PETA of you Martin

Further to my recent scoop, I can report further mischief in the English camp.

There is, firstly, disquiet, over one particular senior appointment made recently by Frere.

Although Senorita Carlotta Martinez

..has previous experience of senior command with (and under) General San Juan at Granada, she is felt by some, at a mere 23 years of age, rather young to bear such a weighty responsibility for the success of the Allied cause.

What has caused far more turmoil in the camp, however, is the rigid enforcement here of Frere's General Order Number One, which bans the consumption of turkey throughout the Peninsula, making no exception for the Christmas festivities, and notwithstanding the fact that many elements of the Allied army have for long been occupied in seeking and capturing these creatures.

The hopes of the men were briefly raised, for example, when the fowling detachments brought in a number of Hoopoe ducks. Although the cooks commenced to sharpen their knives and to collect sage and onion for the stuffing, their hopes proved shortlived when General Moore had several cottages in the neighbourhood converted into strongholds, and provisioned as if for a siege. Rather than fill these strongholds with artillery and fusiliers, however, it seems the cottages are to serve as bird houses for these ducks, until such time as the present danger has passed and the birds can be transported safely back to Frere's HQ, somewhere well in the rear no doubt.

As things stand, then, the troops stand round these cottages muttering their disgruntlement, told off only occasionally by their clearly embarrassed officers and NCOs, whilst there is emitted from the interior of the cottages a series of peculiar and unsettling wailing noises, apparently typical of these creatures, which prevent the soldiery getting a good night's sleep in their cold, damp tents.

What Marechal Soult will make of these positions,  should he have the good fortune to capture them as he clearly intends, can only be guessed...

Perhaps my miquelets need to visit the cottages and relieve your men of their disquietude. Could you leave the sage and onions by the front door?

Ah...... Dearest Carlotta. Finest artillery officer in the Army of Granada.

San Juan

Frere in love-rat allegation shock!

The salons of Lisbon are abuzz with the latest news of Sir Hookham Frere, His Britannic Majesty’s Representative.

Apparently Lady Dyspepsia Bagwash (youngest daughter of the 4th Earl of Bagwash) has lodged a suit in the English courts aledging ‘Breech of Promise’, based on Frere’s suspected liaison with gorgeous pouting Senorita Carlotta Martinez (age 23).

I interviewed a close friend of Lady Dyspesia, Mr Nowotny Grunt.  He told me that there had clearly been an ‘understanding' between Sir Hookham and Lady Dyspepsia, and that Frere's "scandalous behaviour" is the talk of London.  “The Earl is hopping mad, I can tell you" said Mr Grunt.  "If that bounder Frere comes anywhere near Dyspepsia again, he will have his groom administer a sound thrashing".

It remains to be seen what response Sir Hookham makes to these reports, but they can hardly fail to prove a distraction from the Allied war effort.

Burlington H Grumble
Society Correspondent, Lisbon Recorder

I was overjoyed to read your above message, in the personal page of Squawk Lusitanico. This was an inspired choice, since it is the one journal that I see here.

I had feared that you had quite forgotten me. I am so sorry for my tempestuous behaviour in leaving your bed and seeking the arms of a foreigner. I fear it is our hot Latin blood that drives us to do these things to spite ourselves. Had you not so ruffled my feathers, I would still be your beloved Capitan Del Artillerie and would even now be servicing your big gun. But, like the silly young girl that I am, I jumped from paella pan to fire, as we say in our language.

Alas, he who I once worshipped from afar as an Ingleesh hero who had come to the rescue of our countrymen, I can see now he is but a madman who dresses like a bird, lives with animals in the Zoo, and smells worse than even they do. This Ingleesh keeps me naked but for a feather headdress, in a gilded cage in his aviary, and feeds me only boccadillos con chorizo for every meal, which he keeps in his hat. His artillerie is of far smaller calibre than yours, and he does not even know how to use it.

As if this were not cruelty enough, I now read that he is spoken for by a Duchess in his own country, and uses me for his pleasure and sport while Duchess not here. No senorita  of Spain should be treated like this; least of all one who has shared the bed of its most eminent warrior.

Dearest Generalissimo, I know you have retired from active service, but I beg you to mount just once more your white stallion, raise your standard at the head of your men, lead the brave Army Of Andalucia to Rodrigo, and rescue me from this mad Ingleesh who abuses me every day and is robbing our country of its wildlife.

I remain truly yours,

Carlotta Martinez
XXXXX

My dear Carlotta,

My acquaintance the Generalissimo forwarded to me your message in the hope that I can advise you in your present predicament.

You are quite right to feel anger, hurt and upset over the scandalous way you have been treated by men, of whatever nation. You are not only a great beauty, but your high degree of intelligence is evidenced by your rapid mastery of the ballistic sciences and your accelerated promotion into the highest ranks of the military at such a tender age.

The present conflict, and the absence of our menfolk, gives all us women a fine opportunity to step up, in all walks of life, and show what we are made of. You have led the way in this for all of the feminine gender. You should take pride in this, your own fine achievement.

Never make the mistake of believing that your salvation is always in the hands of a man, just another kind of man than the one presently at hand. I am sure the Generalissimo will rescue you. But, thereafter, and though he is my friend, you must surely know that he is not unacquainted himself with this vile sport of peacockery.

I do not want to hear, in a few months time, that you have run off to the camp of the Corsican dwarf just to see if French men are any better. They are not. Their plumage may be finer, and their food better, but they retain their own peculiar vanities to strut out.

Affectionately yours,

Auntie Dolores (Grumble)
Agony Aunt and Acting Chief Editor
Seville Clarion & Granada Gazette Group

Received 3rd January:

To: His Excellency Hookham Frere
At: [censored]
From: Lt-Gen Sir Wm. Carr-Beresford
At: Lisbon

Your Esteemed Excellency,

I trust your excursion into the rugged hinterland of Spain is doing your health much good and the exercise and fresh seasonal air is doing much to quell the strains you lately suffered in Lisbon dealing with those tiresome [censored].

I received, just before Yuletide last, a puzzling letter from His Excellency the Count of Amarante who is the gentleman in command of the Portuguese garrison of Oporto. The good count was somewhat perturbed to receive a letter last month purportedly coming from your diplomatic staff and ordering him to despatch his garrison east into Spain, more specifically to Zamora.

After having considered this affair at length, I can only arrive at the worrisome conclusion that this was some kind of clumsy Bonapartist ploy to weaken our policing operation in North Portugal. As your excellency will be aware the troops in garrison throughout the country provide a vital role in securing the various regions of the coast and hinterland, quelling unlawful acts and any disorder, making night watch patrols, assisting the magistrates in their duties as they circulate the local courts at various outlying towns, building and maintaining works, providing escorts for messengers, reporting any enemy incursions and suspicious pro-Bonapartist activity, and a host of other mundane but vital military and civic matters. Furthermore all our Portuguese troops are undergoing training in Lisbon which means that at any one time at least one battalion of most garrisons is absent, away at the capital being re-equipped, &c, &c. This circulating process of equipping and training is continuous and there are no surplus Portuguese soldiers yet available to provide any field forces. Even if we could I would not wish to send afield a force still so old-fashioned in its drills and tactical procedures. Keeping the Portuguese army here in garrison is a part of our arrangement to retrain it anew.

Of course, as previously alluded to, I am aware that your excellency is aware of this and would never give such an unrealistic and even presumptuous instruction. This therefore must be a showing by the hand of our enemy who climbs ever downward on the rungs of the ladder of decency in his vile and amateurish attempts to undermine our authority here. I apologise to your excellency for sending you this so late after I was first alerted by this strange letter but in the interim I asked the Count to interview the person who brought the letter and to examine it most carefully to ascertain it's provenance. His reply was that the stationery was indeed from the stocks that HM Sloop Robust brought to Lisbon in September and I urge you therefore to very carefully examine your own diplomatic corps and proceed most judiciously to be alert for spies or men you trust who may have been swayed by French gold.

Whosoever this person or persons are, they are adept at skilfully forging your excellency's signature!

I have sent this letter by hand of my trusted Lieutenant Edmund Blackadder who you may know from his patron, Lord Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett of Soufflet-en-Corduroy, is a very reliable fellow. He is escorted by a party of the 14th Light Dragoons who came ashore here on Boxing Monday and who I am holding at the capital to assist in the training of the Portuguese Horse.

I urge you, excellency, to be wary and ensure your vital person is protected at all times. If the French have got at one of your staff there is no knowing what a raving fellow may do with pistol or knife.

I have asked all other Portuguese commanders of regiments or garrisons to forward to me any correspondence in future regarding military movement orders or requests and to ignore any missive unless it bears my personal seal and is carried by one of my ADCs. As Lt-Gen of the Portuguese Army it is my remit to issue them any military commands until such units are either attached to a British force or are formed into an independent Portuguese Corps. In this way your excellency is assured fullest security and may be secure in the knowledge that Portugal's vital military and economic centres are well guarded.

I am, and earnestly hope to remain, your loyal servant and friend,

~ Beresfd.

The Aviary,
Ciudad Rodrigo Zoological Gardens
10th January 1808

To: Lt-Gen Sir William Carr Beresford
At: Lisbon Barracks
Via: Torres Vedras

Dear Beresford,

Thank you for your recent warning concerning espionage on my staff, but I believe we have already caught the blighter responsible.

Last night, while I slept, the sergeant of the guard found, poring over the maps on my chart table by candlelight, while at the same time furiously scribbling away with my quill and vellum, and applying the Kings seal to the finished documents, a chimpanzee from these gardens by the name of "Monsieur Berthier". He was promptly arrested and placed in chains in the monkey house.

When I enquired into the provenance of this creature, I discovered that he had been left behind at the zoo by members of the French staff, during their hasty retreat from Portugal following the battle at Vimiero. It seems he had been a pet at their HQ. He has remained here ever since, and clearly retains francophile and military habits, even if he is not actually still in their pay, which remains to be established by the provost marshal.

The fact that the orders sent to the Oporto garrison were in French, should surely have provided a clue to your subordinates in that city?

If the circumstances of the matter should in due course prove damning to Monsieur Berthier, I will be obliged to have him dressed in full French uniform (as an ape with any sense of honour would have been, while remaining in their service), before being shot at dawn. There will of course be a court martial to precede.

I must here remark that, if Castlereagh had accepted my plans for a proper intelligence service in the Peninsula, things might never have come to this pretty pass.

Hookham Frere, Marques Dos Galliformes

Ps. I shall consult Wellesley as to how he wants your troops organised, in due course. I trust you are focusing on training the troops, and not sullying your hands with construction work. The latter is for tradesmen, Portuguese, and the Engineers. Leave it to Mann, old boy.

The war seems to have quietened down for the winter, but this reporter can bring you further astonishing news from the Ciudad Rodrigo Zoological Gardens, which has been the seat of the British plenipotentiary Frere for some time now.

The news concerns the mass escape of a number of very dangerous animals, much to the consternation of the locals.

It is admittedly barely credible, even where the eccentric Frere is concerned, but it seems the breakout was led by a chimpanzee whose real name is Berthier, although affectionately known by his keepers as Caesar, because of his imperious ways.

This reporter understands that Frere had subjected the chimp to a courts martial held in the monkey house. Despite an impassioned plea from Major Kirk Douglas, appointed to its defence, the chimp had been found guilty of espionage, and in consequence was languishing on death row, hoping for a royal pardon from England, at the time of its dramatic escape. This latter involved much swinging from bars, and the pickpocketing of his jailer's keys.

Before making good his escape, though, it appears that Caesar took the trouble to release a number of other prisoners from their cages. In addition to numerous other apes, the escapees include a gorilla, a bear, a crocodile, and a boa constrictor plus several leopards and a number of rare peacocks which Frere had only recently acquired. All of these creatures seem to have made good their escape, though HQ staff are reportedly nervous that some may merely have concealed themselves in the vicinity, waiting their opportunity to revenge themselves on their former captors, and Frere is apparently considering shifting his operations once more to a place of greater safety.

For a while a long column of peacocks, camels, giraffes, anteaters, and zebras could be seen marching through the streets of this town, marshalled and in some cases ridden by apes in stolen red coasts and carrying muskets, to the astonishment of the local citizens. The garrison of this fortress has now been mustered, however, by the Provost Marshal, and are now hot on the heels in pursuit of the fugitives, into the surrounding countryside.

At least one human prisoner was apparently freed too, this being none other than Senorita Carlotta Martinez. Despite being appointed Frere's artillery chief, the Senorita had, according to scurrilous gossip, been kept naked by him in a gilded cage in the bird house. Frere is said to have been in the habit of walking round her cage making cooing noises. It appears that Caesar had been her only friend and comfort during this time of torment. Let us hope she finds safe haven in these dangerous times.[/center]

HQ, The Aviary
Zoological Gardens
Ciudad Rodrigo
22nd January 1809

To: Sir Arthur Wellesley
At: xxxxxxxxx?

Dear Sir Arthur,

I hope this finds you well; I did so enjoy our recent tea party. I trust you found the right road to xxxxxxxxx? Do let me know where you are and what you are up to, old boy.

[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx- deleted by the military censor]

My very best wishes,

Hookham Frere Galliformes

Ps. The Zoological Gardens have unfortunately lost some of their inmates of late; I must ask your troops to be vigilant and return any fauna they suspect may belong here. There are unfortunately some dangerous creatures on the loose, and some of them are armed, so do take care. There are for example some apes wearing red coats and riding horseback; do not mistake them for the 17th Light Dragoons.

Astonishing news from the Sierra de las Batuecas, South of Ciudad Rodrigo

It would appear that a number of the apes who, due to Frere's incompetence, recently broke out of his HQ at the city Zoo, raided the guardhouse there before departing, and helped themselves to the greatcoats, muskets and other equipment belonging to the relief watch, including one piece of mountain artillery.

They then rode off through the town, mounted on various exotic beasts including zebras, camels and an elephant too, and heading for the Sierra d'Estrella.

The rugged Sierra d'Estrella has always been a haven for bandits and outlaws. In recent years, it has been a staging area for those locals who object to the presence of any foreign forces on Spanish territory, be they French, English or Portuguese.

It would seem that the long established outlaw band has now been augmented by various of the beasts who made off from the Zoo, such that the bandit army now features exotic units of zebra cavalry, camel dragoons, and elephant artillery. All are commanded by a mastermind chimpanzee named Cesare, who is alleged by some to have military experience at a senior level in the French service, and has therefore received rapid promotion to head this entire force, both humans and apes.

Frere is reportedly in a state of shock over the recent turn of events, and has taken personal charge of local militia forces in a bid to crush this most embarassing of uprisings, before news of it can leak out to his superiors in London.

Frere has also issued a gagging order preventing the Press on pain of severest penalty from reporting this outbreak of lawlessness. This reporter, however, finds himself obliged by his honour and his obligation to his readers to breach these unwarranted restrictions on a free Press.

I expect daily however to be arrested and accused of espionage, which carries a capital penalty. Thus, Dear Reader, please remember me in your prayers.

Dolores, you have been a good wife to me; I look forward to our reunion in Heaven, whence we are both surely destined. Look after my pet marmocet. My Kriegsspiel set can go to my friend Vincenze. Farewell from your beloved Burlington.

The Carlotta Martinez Interview!

Always first with the news, the Cuidad Rodrigo Gazette is proud to bring you this interview with gorgeous pouting Carlotta (age 23).

As per previous news reports, shapely Carlotta recently served in a senior position under Sir Hookham Frere, the British Representative to Spain & Portugal.  The appointment has now terminated in mysterious circumstances.  This was evidently a stressful time, and when asked about it, raven-haired Carlotta will only say “Ah zat Frere.  Ee ees a peeg”.  She clearly has more favourable memories of her previous employer, retired General Benito de San Juan, describing him as “mucho hombre”, whatever that means....

With the Peninsular proving the graveyard of so many male reputations (Murat, Blake, Dupont, Frere etc), your reporter naturally asked how one young women has already achieved such a dazzling career.  Firstly as chief of artillery at the Army of Granada, and latterly as chief of staff to Frere.  Doe-eyed Carlotta puts it down to her knowledge of ballistics, and a strong work-ethic.  

When asked about future career choices, demure yet adorable Carlotta (still age 23) spoke with evident sincerity of her interest in orphans and the aged, and her wish to help bring about European peace.  She also expressed a desire to travel.  She understands that Burgos is very nice this time of year, and would very much like to meet the Emperor Napoleon.  

Burlington H Grumble

Features Editor, Cuidad Rodrigo Gazette

The following document was obtained by me from outlaws in the Sierra de las Batuecas, South of Ciudad Rodrigo, with whom I am temporarily embedded. Its importance needs no elaboration for my readers, therefore I quote it verbatim

Burlington H Grumble, Diplomatic Editor, Rodrigo Reveille & Gazette

[General Cuesta's copy]

South of Ciudad Rodrigo, January 20th 1809

To: His Excellency, Viscount Castlereagh
At: Horse Guards, London
Via: Oporto

Your Excellency,

I am driven to protest in the strongest possible terms about the conduct of Lord Wellesley.

Though I am charged with co-ordinating the movements of the Allied armies in the Peninsula, this fellow consistently refuses to report to me his plans or movements.

Only just lately, I had tea with his Lordship in Rodrigo, when he marched through that city. He assured me that he was on the march to Valladolid, as I had ordered, in support of the valiant General Moore. We examined the maps in detail to ensure he took the right road to obtain that place.

Having opened the newspapers today, I find however that he has marched in precisely the opposite direction, and has just arrived in Madrid, many miles from the prospective scene of any fighting.

It is difficult to have faith in a commander in chief who conducts himself in this manner; I propose therefore that Moore be given a promotion thus that he has seniority in this theatre over Wellesley.

I propose also to have my Hd/Diplomatic Staff attach himself to Wellesley's camp, so that he may report back to me all his movements, and in particular any diplomatic dealings Wellesley may have with the Spanish gentlemen.

I feel compelled also to remove myself to [censored] to oversee these matters, though I would rather have remained here, in the thick of fighting against recidivist bandits in enemy pay.

I am copying this letter to Generals Moore and Cuesta, and to our Hd/legation in Lisbon.

Your urgent action in these matters would be much appreciated.

Your Humble Servant, Hookham Frere


PS. Your Lordship should be aware that the enemy maintains an active espionage operation in these parts, which specialises in spreading disinformation concerning dignitaries such as I, in hopes of thus causing confusion to his enemy. You may rest assured, however, that the stories you may have relayed to you are, at very least, highly overblown, and in the most cases totally without basis in fact.

PPS. I find myself still sorely lacking in funding towards my duckhouse construction at Cintra. I would be most grateful if your Lordship were able to bring forward the necessary vote in Parliament to that purpose.

At the time I started marching it was unknown whether Napoleon would move on Madrid or not. I had to make defense of the capital my main priority. Once we started the march one can simply not back track for then you lose all progress. Hindsight is 20/20 my dear fellow.

An open communication to the Generals of the Spanish army:

"Sevilla
18th January 1809

Excellencies

As you may know, we are presently focussing our efforts on modernizing our cavalry arm. We have in recent months introduced divisional headquarters to each army to allow your excellencies to form your disparate cavalry brigades into divisions. We are also attempting to standardize brigades within divisions into heavy cavalry, light cavalry or dragoons. It is our aim to eventually have one brigade of each per division, though much remains to be done as good horseflesh is slow and expensive to obtain.

Nevertheless, we ask you to please press ahead with these reorganisations. Each division will require the appointment of a Mariscal de Campo to command and we are sure that sufficient senior officers will speedily step forward (in seniority order, naturally) to accept these prized and most dashing posts.

As you will also know, excellencies, Spain has until recent times lacked a modern mounted artillery arm. We do have 8 companies of Artillería Caballeria though these are based on outdated principals and use light and rather antique guns. Of these 8, we have merged the better equipment, men and animals from them to field 4 new mounted companies and these have been despatched to serve with the following divisions:

7° Division de Caballeria (1° de Reserva) - 3° Compañía de la Artillería Caballeria 4 x 4pdrs
8° Division de Caballeria (2° de Galicia) - 4° Compañía de la Artillería Caballeria 4 x 4pdrs
10° Division de Caballeria (1° de Extremadura) - 2° Compañía de la Artillería Caballeria 4 x 4pdrs
13° Division de Caballeria (1° de Granada) - 1° Compañía de la Artillería Caballeria 4 x 4pdrs

These 4 companies form the 1° Regimiento de la Artillería Caballeria. The second 4 companies of the original 8 will form the 2° Regimiento and we are endeavouring to raise these now. With English assistance (equipment, training and animals) we propose to double our mounted artillery arm from 8 to 16 companies with the 3° Regimiento and 4° Regimiento in preparation of forming for service later in the year. These will use English cannon of heavier weight of shot.

We therefore ask each of you to examine again your cavalry forces and organise any separate brigades into homogeneous divisions as soon as practical so that we may despatch horse artillery companies to each.

We are, and remain, &c. &c.

Don Pedro de Alcántara Álvarez de Toledo y Salm-Salm, 13° Duque del Infantado, Consejero Militar de la Junta Central."

by Burlington H. Grumble, Rodrigo Reveille
with Cesar's Gorilleros in the Sierra de las Batuecas, South of Ciudad Rodrigo

The following despatch intercepted near Frere's camp by Cesar's Zebra patrol this morning, 19th January, and passed to me:
 
 
To: Sir Hookham Frere, 
 
Sir, I write to you on an urgent matter that requires your immediate attention. It appears that a treasonous Spaniard has been keeping a secret aviary against our orders to make such things known to this command. A brigade was sent to surround the house of the traitor and to seize the aviary. I would have sent more than a mere brigade, but alas the other units of the division were deployed too far away to move quickly in support. 
 
Regardless, the aviary was seized intact and without any loss of life of birds. 
 
The men were also unhurt. 
 
We seized several specimens which are unrecognizable to our untrained eyes. I have had coloured drawings hastily made so that you may enjoy some sense of what we have obtained. 
 
A particular favorite of mine is the gray bird with red eyes and a long black beak. This bird is of friendly demeanor and managed to consume the rations of several soldiers who courageously volunteered their biscuits to satisfy the creature. 
 
Another favorite is of a striking blue fowl with a yellow crest. It is a precious bird, featuring resplendant plumage. 
 
These creatures have been moved into a local castle, affording them the space they require for comfort. As usual, one brigade continues to fish and forage to satisfy their appetites. 
 
It is my intention to transfer these delicate beasts to your custody as soon as the situation permits. Please provide any special instructions for the care and well-fare of these creatures. 
 
I remain your servant, 
 
Sir John Moore
 
P.S. Two French corps have taken position opposite me north east of Valladolid. Gen. Cuesta's command is defending on my flank. The foe has an estimated 22,000 infantry, 4,500 cavalry, and 90 guns. Soult remains at Duneas with 10,000 infantry and 30 guns.

Filling in during Burlington Grumble's sabbatical leave, at Frere's new HQ in the badlands south of Rodrigo, this reporter finds himself able to communicate to you, dear reader, the following news of a most astonishing intelligence coup by Bonapartist agents.

Recent investigations, by intelligence officers dispatched from the Diplomatic legation in Lisbon, and accompanied by yours truly, have revealed the receipt during December at Frere's headquarters (then located at the zoological gardens north of Rodrigo) of two falsified dispatches purporting to originate from Sir Arthur Wellesley.

Having seen copies, both bear the usual military seals. The first document appears to be a routine acknowledgement from Sir Arthur of Frere's orders to march his troops into the position long ago prepared by General Moore north of Valladolid. Stamped as received on 8th December, it reads as follows:

"Your Excellency,
Yes, the march is going slower than I'd prefer but I am heading to link up with Moore north of the city. I shall try to get them to pick up the pace. If he is attacked by Bonaparte's full force he should pull back south of the river and use delaying tactics till I arrive.
Your humble servant,
Sir Arthur Wellesley"

The second document reads thus:

"16th December
To: Hookham Frere
I have just passed Ciudad Rodrigo and am on my way to Madrid then onto face Napoleon. I shall try to knock some sense into Moore, I have an inclination he has already made up his mind, orders or no. I had already requested he hold firm and maintain his troop strength, an attack is already in violation of orders. I shall see he is court marshaled if we lose half our force for his indiscretions.
Your humble servant,
Sir Arthur Wellesley"

These documents appear to have been followed up by a visit to the Rodrigo HQ, by a personage purporting to be Sir Arthur, in response to an invitation by Frere to tea.

By all accounts the visitor, though possessing long arms and hairy hands, was otherwise tidily attired in grey greatcoat, Hessian boots, and a cocked hat pulled well down over his face. Though felt to be enigmatic and unforthcoming by those who met him, this entity nevertheless spent several hours in the map room discussing Allied dispositions and strategy with Frere, over a pot of Darjeeling and a plate of cucumber sandwiches.

Frere has now been discreetly informed that Wellesley, though in defiance of his orders, never in fact left the road from Lisbon to Madrid, and that the creature who wrote to and then visited him, was in all likelihood the gibbon Cesar, whose talents and exploits at espionage, jailbreaking and guerilla warfare are already of great renown throughout the Peninsular. Should this hypothesis prove true, then the creature has certainly displayed a level of animal cunning and audacity rarely before seen in the intelligence world.

Frere is reported to be doubting his own sanity, but nevertheless threatening the direst consequences to anyone relaying the news of this his latest escapade. This reporter is leaving Rodrigo immediately, therefore, to look into two most interesting Birdlife finds reported by General Moore from the Rio Duero, which will be reported to the reader of the Post in due course.

It would appear that the peculiarly dressed fellows that descended on our fair town this day are, in fact, the rumored guarde of Napoleon himself. I say that they are sinners and damned, for the power of el diablo is with them. Not three hours past I saw their gunners shoot from the sky a flight of rare orange tipped whooping sand cranes that the English General Moore had spent much time trying to capture.

It was mere misfortune, I am sure, that my own men were located where the avian-cidal shot were to come to the earth. Despite killing a mere dozen or so, one of my regiments took to their heels. It will come as no surprise this was the regiment where are weakest and least macho troops were banished.

Ordering my front lines to scour the ground for any heavily wounded birds who might be saved came to nought, but it was apparent by this time that the rest of the Spanish army were advancing to the South so rapidly (against an enemy I have not yet been privileged to have heard of) that my men seemed to be quite alone against the soulless devils who invade our country. Worried lest the army of Salamanca be weakened by hungry and lack of wine, I promptly ordered my men to search the depot for the most valuable....ahhh....nutritious supplies.

Alas, the power of dark one were against us still. Staggering under the weight of their pilla....baggage, my men were unable to make quick time to follow the rest of the army. French cavalry pursued us South of the city and threatened the very bridge I now hide under. While heroically searching with my feet in chest deep water for a likely ford to save my lif....command, I was swept down river. I barely have managed to hold on to the supports of this bridge, that shakes so very much with the foot steps of the devils. It sounds exactly like hooves, further proof they are in league with the devil!

I attach this missive to a message boat cunningly wrought from my own hat and handkerchief in the hopes that it finds my loyal countrymen and will combat the inevitable rumors of my (false!) ineptitude.

Bruno Mutis, commander of the Valladolid city garrison

+1 experience to a random regiment of the sometime Valladolid garrison division for such a selfless and colourful report! The trials and sacrifice of General Bruno Mutis will go down in the anals - er, annals - of glory!

Very well done ye of diminutive stature and declared intentions. Best effort of the campaign -- so far.